the nomad diary

Sadness and happiness are slippery words, two I believe to be overused in the western discussion about sustainable well-being.  To describe someone who battles mild depression as an unhappy person would be off base, as would be labelling a person with a generally positive affect as happy.  In reality, humans spend very little of their time immersed in happiness or sadness.  It is only because these experiences are the exception, rather than the rule, that we remember them so clearly, and thus overestimate the frequency and duration of their occurrence.  You remember the first time you were dumped by a significant other, also the time you worked hard to earn an A on an important exam, but what about the hundreds of hours you have spent waiting in lines, using the bathroom, or engaging in small talk?  These forgotten moments, despite making up the vast majority of our day to day existence, are under-represented in our consideration of what makes a quality life.  This needs to change.

For the sake of definition, let’s give a name to the often ignored moments that exist somewhere between exceptionally good and exceptionally bad: MS (middle states).   MS, despite their perceived irrelevance, are essential to any productive conversation about well-being.  To judge a life only by its most positive and negative psychological states would be like trying to understand the anatomy of a pig by studying only the tail.

I first came to be interested in MS when I noticed that mine seemed to display an unsettling pattern of listlessness, discontent, and a vague, yet palatable sense of longing for something unknown.  It took some time for me to admit to myself that all was not well, that something was missing.  It was only recently that I garnered the courage to voice my dilemma to others.  The self imposed ignorance and isolation were regretful, as there is no hope in solving problems that we refuse to acknowledge and define, and there is no surer path to wellness than the solicitation of help from trusted others.

I felt that I, being a part of a loving family and a citizen of the wealthiest nation in the world, had no justification for my discontent, and therefore found it more convenient to ignore than to confront.   What I did not realize then is that we do not need to earn our struggle in order to validate it; all problems are worthy of a search for solutions, and none is insignificant.   The degree of pain experienced is more a product of internal factors than external circumstances.  Any approach to psychological wellness that ignores this fact is destined for failure.

Feeling less self-conscious about my discontent, an interesting thing happened- I focused less on my own experience, and began to notice that I wasn’t alone.  In travelling nearly 20 countries over the past four years I have had the opportunity to meet young people of probably 50-70 unique nationalities and literally hundreds of varying backgrounds.  What I have learned from these encounters is that the malaise I was dealing with was not unique amongst my age group; it was, to my surprise and relief, quite normal.  Whether or not people chose to openly admit it, I learned from reflecting on my own experience and symptoms how to identify someone struggling with a similar state of mind.  And there were many.  Some lived in ignorance, as I had; others were more open, but none among them had a defence mechanism strong enough to conceal the underlying pain.

Having come to terms with the what and the who of this uniquely early adult affliction, I have more recently focused my attention on why it occurs and how it may be remedied.

The collective results of this ongoing research and contemplation are in the paragraphs to follow.  If the struggle that I have described speaks to your personal experience, read on.  It is my hope that my own quest for solutions may aid in yours.

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Early challenge, mounting struggle

Think back to when you were very small- 5 or 6 years old.  Focus not on the particularly joyful or painful experiences of childhood (this may be difficult), but on the MS, the day-to-day of those years.  How would you describe this experience?  If you are, as I am, a product of a functional, relatively wealthy (as in, compared to those who grew up in developing nations), first world background, chances are that your remembered childhood was one of considerable ease.  I recall joy, wonder, and curiosity as being the pillars of early youth, as do, I would suppose, the majority of early adults born from privilege.

However, in the interest of avoiding over-simplification, it need be acknowledged that childhood is not without challenge.  As David Cain from raptitude.com puts it, “childhood isn’t simple at all, except to adults. It’s confusing and awesome, sometimes traumatic, sometimes dark, sometimes absurd.”  The important distinction to be made here is between struggle and challenge.  Challenge is the mother of optimism and growth.  Struggle is synonymous with pain and helplessness, and though it can be useful after the fact, the reality is that the real-time experience can be devastating and crippling.    Life ever and always contains both struggle and challenge, but it seems to me that childhood in particular is far more defined by the latter.

As we age, gradual to the point of stealth, the world and its myriad of puzzles and frustrations creeps its way in and clouds our psychological landscape.  At some unknowable point in time the magic of childhood gives way to the pragmatism of the “real world”, hope wilts in the shadow of practical realism, and the balance between challenge and struggle shifts, leaving us to the ultimate task of growing up-  learning to shift it back in our favor.

The many grand and minute developments that take place in our first two decades of life are too great in number even for the most dedicated researcher to catalogue.  No doubt, much is gained and much is lost, but no two lives ever follow the same course.  That said, there are changes common among all of us which are of the utmost consequence, and therefore beg to be understood.  Indeed, doing so may very well be the basis of overcoming the psychological difficulties of early adulthood.  Learning to embrace challenge, rather than submit to struggle, is at the heart of everything.

Discussed below are 7 challenges, taking place from childhood to early adulthood, that I believe are worthy of discussion, along with proposed solutions for each.

Challenge: The decline of inevitable development

As children, physical and psychological growth are guaranteed.  Every day we become taller, stronger, smarter, wiser, and more talented; development is our natural state.  The effortlessness with which knowledge and skills are acquired during youth is the envy of adults, because adults know that things change around the age of 18.  No longer are we blessed with the gift of inevitable growth.  If progress is to be had, it is fought for tooth and nail.  The fluidity and grace of childhood development is replaced by the adult realization that, from here on, we are engaged in a footrace with decay.

Potential Solution: Curiosity and exercise.

Curiosity and exercise.  No brainer, right?  One would think so, but this appears not to be the case.  As adults, we are fully capable of cognitive and physical progress, but we must make the choice to pursue it.  We can sit around, wasting away, waiting to be passively entertained by one rectangular screen or another, or we can choose movement, investigation, and personal betterment.  Research and common sense both point clearly to the latter category of people as being healthier and more fulfilled.

Challenge: The gift of meaning

At some point in life, usually sometime in early adulthood, we are slapped in the face with the most pressing of existential dilemmas: Why am I here?  Anyone who has pondered this question at length will attest to its heaviness.  We live many years in blissful ignorance until one day this one question forbids us from doing so any longer.  We are given the gift, the burden, of meaning, and are then left to make some sense of it.  The early stages of this process can be quite discouraging, thus, I believe, lending to much of the unrest that seems prevalent in early adulthood.

Potential Solution: Man’s Search for Meaning

Read Man’s Search for Meaning, by renowned psychotherapist and Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl.  I have never read a more important book in my entire life, nor do I expect to.  If I could, I would make this required reading in every senior level high school English class, and again in university philosophy as well.   The value of this book cannot be understated.  It will lead you to answers so simple, complete, and essential, that you will wonder how you ever lived without them.

Challenge: Loss of guidance

To me, one of the most cruel and debilitating realities of adulthood is the sudden and complete stripping of mentorship that occurs upon completion of formal education.  One day, you are a high school or college senior with  an abundance of advice sources (counsellors, teachers, coaches, administrators, parents, advisors, grad students, etc.), then you graduate, and are left to face the world as a fully independent, autonomous entity, a suit you are most certainly not prepared to wear.  Those who are lucky still have a person or two to whom they can turn, but many do not.  This lack of mentors in the formative years following formal education is nothing but damage to the growth and well-being of the graduate.

Potential Solution: Enlist a network of mentors

Quality advice can come in all forms, but you have to ask for it.  I have a handful of people I turn to for guidance, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without them.  Independence today is prized to the point that asking for help has become taboo.  This should not be so.  Quality mentors are an essential ingredient to success.  Top-tier athletes, actors, and musicians, are encouraged to seek guidance (in the form of coaching).  Why shouldn’t we be doing just the same?

Challenge: Mortality realized

As a child, I remember distinctly having a complete disbelief in death.  Sure, I knew that other people died, but the thought that it could ever happen to me seemed absurd.  Time plays tricks on the young mind, convincing it that the days, weeks, and years stretch on forever into the unknowable.  The idea of growing old is completely incomprehensible to the 5 year old, far beyond their realm of consideration.

But there comes a time when every person must ponder their own mortality, and when they do, it tends to hit like a ton of bricks.  In my experience, the times I have given death my undivided attention have been so stressful, so panic inducing, that I am amazed not to have been crushed under the weight of it all.

Being an adult is confronting an inescapable truth: I will die.  All of my friends and family will die.  The end is coming.

Potential Solution: Be the buffalo.

I am far from mastering this one, but I have found there to be certain advantages to confronting the concept of death; viz., that in doing so we are then free to truly appreciate life.  I love the term “spending time”, because it addresses the simple truth that time is a limited resource.  Minutes aren’t passed, they are spent, and a quality life depends on spending them wisely.  The problem, of course, is that unlike worldly resources, we have no way of knowing just how much time remains in our account.  Framed this way I find that death, while frightening, can be the ultimate motivator.  Do what needs to be done.  Say what needs to be said.  Like it or not, tomorrow you may not have the opportunity.  A friend recently told me that when a storm comes, it is in the nature of the buffalo to run straight through it, even as other animals run away.  When it comes to thinking of death, we would all be well advised to “be the buffalo”.

Challenge: Waning Courage

One of my favorite things about children is the blind, ignorant courage that precedes the inception of socialized fear.  Much of what we as adults are afraid of is a result of learning, rather than biology.  Young kids simply haven’t been taught to fear much of what society deems scary, and the resulting courage is spectacular to watch.  I recently had the joy of seeing my twin niece and nephew learn to walk.  Time and again they would fall; time and again they would get up.  Courage was in their nature, and it served them well.  I have never met an adult who dealt with failure as beautifully as my niece and nephew.  Why?  Because as adults, we are taught to avoid displaying our short comings at all costs, lest we be seen by others as inadequate.  I believe kids are joyful in part because they live in the absence of unnecessary fear, if only for a short time.

Potential Solution:  Awareness of fear sources.

Some fears are perfectly justified.  They are meant to keep us alive, healthy, and thriving to the greatest extent possible.  Go ahead and fear falling from thousand foot cliffs, choking, and contracting HIV.  Take the necessary steps to prevent those things.

But what about public speaking?  Rejection?  Strangers?  Trips to the dentist? Failure?

What advantage do these concerns bring us?  None.  What do we stand to gain if we can rid ourselves of irrational fears?  Everything.

The key is not to be fearless, it is to be rational and courageous.  If you need a lesson, go babysit.

Challenge: The Death of Mystery

Making sense of the world is a catch-22 of development.  On the one hand, the more we figure out, the easier life becomes.  On the other, the more we figure out, the more mundane life becomes.  Imagine being a baby.  You can’t remember this.  Neither can I, but I’m willing to bet it was far more thrilling than any adult activity.  As babies, everything, everything, is brand new and waiting to be comprehended.  Food, cats, balloons, aunts, smells, etc.  The space that exists between mystery and understanding is purely exhilarating, but it becomes increasingly endangered as we depart from childhood.  We trade wonder and magic for the efficiency and safety of adulthood.  Yet another common source of malaise seems to be a diminishing sense of amazement.  This, I think, is why people tend to falsely place their hopes for rekindled passion in far off places and unique experiences.

Potential Solution: Get over yourself.

We like to think we have it all figured out, that we are incapable of being surprised, but this really couldn’t be farther from the truth.  There is not a human among us who has even one-tenth of 1% of the available knowledge stored in his or her brain.  The only reason the world has ceased to feel mysterious is that we fear misunderstanding, thus we limit our attention only to that which is understood.  I have always found it strange that we humans so often complain of banality, even as we are absolutely enveloped in a world of unkown that we haven’t the first clue about. 

If life has lost its mystery, blame the usual suspect: socialization.  Despite what common sentiment wants you to believe, it is perfectly acceptable to admit that you know virtually nothing.   In fact, it is pretty liberating.  Sure, you may like to think and say that you understand food, cats, balloons,aunts, smells, etc., but do you really? Unless you are a gastronome, felineologist, chemist, aunt-err-ologist, olfactologist, etc., chances are that you probably don’t.  The world is full of mystery, and the best part is that you don’t even need to leave your house to find it.

Challenge: Control Issues

The platitude “money makes the world go ’round” is flat out wrong.  Control makes the world go ’round, and when obtained and exercised with prudence, can be a key to well-being.  The only reason money matters at all is that it can be used to purchase control.

There are many kinds of control, some healthy and useful, some destructive- self-control, control of finances, control of one’s bowels, control of government, control of slaves, control of a spouse, control of power.  The list goes on.  Life boiled down to its basic elements is a dance between control and a lack thereof.  We spend much of our lives trying to gain and maintain control of our circumstances.  Those who are successful are called well adjusted, even powerful.  Those who are not quickly slide to the bottom rungs of society.

Children are curious cases when it comes to control.  Relatively speaking, they have very little, yet they don’t seem to be bothered.  There are two reasons for this.  First, though their level of control is initially limited, it increases at a rapid rate.  Learn to tie your shoes=control.  Use the bathroom on your own=control.  Earn enough trust to stay home alone=control.  And so it goes.   Second, kids do exactly what all humans innately hope to do: relinquish control to trusted others (parents).

Early adults generally experience neither of these benefits, and they suffer because of it.  Though the twenty something is often “independent”, it is not long before they realize just how little control they have.  Instead of controlling, they are controlled- by money, possessions, job markets, bosses, mortgages, health concerns, etc.  Much like children, they are forced to relinquish their control, but to the fickle, unforgiving world, rather than trusted others (parents).  There was a time when young adults found comfort in trusting god and government to control their outcomes, but I hardly need to point out that those times are long gone.

Potential Solution: Take it where you can get it, but don’t be greedy.

We early adults are not powerless, despite what (you guessed it) socialization, would like us to believe.  We are free to take control where we can, but we must be both wise and modest in our early undertakings.  Perhaps you can afford a $200,000 home, perhaps you cannot.  I cannot, thus I know full well that those kind of monthly payments would control me.  A person with more money in their account may purchase that house and experience an increased level of control as a new home owner.  I am not there yet, but I’m okay with that.

People like to think they are in control when they engage in heavy consumerism, because the very act of purchasing has been craftily designed to portray the illusion of power.  The catch, of course, is that the more stuff we have, the more stuff we have to pay for and care for, thus we are left with less money, less time, and a diminished sense of control.

They key to control is to think on simple terms.  I can exercise a moderate level of control over my health, finances, possessions, diet, and the way I spend my time.  It isn’t much, but I would rather be the master of a small domain than a slave to a large one.

The more we feel we are in control of our lives, the more likely it is that we will achieve satisfaction.  Pursuing this end is worthwhile, but we should not get overly attached.  After all, the fact remains, everything that could go wrong very well might, and there is nothing we can say or do about it.  All we can do is go with the tide and take solace in the fact that chance does not choose favorites.

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If you have made it this far, my guess is that you have probably identified with some of these thoughts, and disregarded others entirely.  That is excellent, I am glad.  Our lives thus far are bound to have been wildly different, and that is a beautiful thing.  What brings me joy and pain may not have the same effect on you.

What is important is that people who are just starting out in the world learn to band together, to learn from one another, to share ideas that may, if we are lucky, elevate our MS to something more than what they otherwise could have been.

I have written today as a gesture of solidarity, in the hopes that we may rise to the challenges, and bypass the struggles entirely.

If you have any insights or observations to share about your experiences of early adulthood, I would absolutely love to hear them.

I write today to discuss a crucial question that millions of recently graduated  twenty-somethings face every year- what’s next?

For many of us, our lives up until the very moment we receive our diplomas seem almost pre-determined.  We are born, we get our first tooth, we take out first steps, we speak our first words, we go to kindergarten, lose that first tooth, move onto elementary school, then middle, puberty kicks in, we have our first kiss, we transition to high school, learn to drive, find our first “serious” girlfriend/boyfriend, we get our first job,  high school ends, college begins, we experiment, we grow, we get internships, we become adults(or so we think), we graduate.  The details of our lives vary from one person to the next, but this basic sequence of events is the backbone for the traditional American “coming of age” process.

With every passing generation, millions of young people share a common 22 year experience.  Then we make the transition into the “real world”, and, for the very first time, we are officially at the helm of our own existence.  All of a sudden we are faced with choices that will set the course of our entire adult lives.  Make one wrong step, we are told, and face a lifetime of consequences.

The problem is that the vast majority of people have, by this time, become dependent on the hand that has guided them through the first two decades of their life.  They are left with a devastating handicap- a complete inability to challenge societal norms or imagine anything other than the common path.  The “think outside the box” part of their brain has long since atrophied from a lack of stimulation.  As a result, tunnel vision sets in, and people mindlessly subscribe to the template of the traditional “American dream”- find a white collar desk job(anything will do), make money(even if it is earned at the expense of your happiness), buy a giant television(and watch it a few hours per day), get a dog, get married, take out loans to buy a couple of cars and a house(then spend the next 30 years paying them off), have kids, buy them a bunch of expensive stuff of their own,  take vacations(but never an adventure), earn a promotion(if you are lucky), buy a bigger house using a bigger loan, send the kids to a university, retire by 55(haha),  take up golf, sailing, or tennis, travel to far away places(perhaps your first opportunity for real adventure), become a grandparent, do the things you didn’t have time to do when you were in your twenties, get old, enjoy your growing family, find a relaxing way to live out your final years, and die with the peace of mind that you led your life according to a beautiful plan.

To be clear, I am not entirely opposed to this path…when it works.  Sure, millions of families have found happiness and fulfillment by such traditional means, and deserve to be applauded for it, but what if something gets in the way?

At any given time, a situation entirely out of your control can arise and change everything.  Your wife/husband divorces you.  You lose your job.  You get sick.  Your kids get sick.  The stock market crashes.  War breaks out.  Government collapses.

What then?

You have spent 10-40 years working diligently for your slice of the American pie, only to find that a single unforseen event brings everything crashing down around you.  Some people are lucky enough only to lose their money, homes, businesses, or possessions.  Others lose their loved ones, or face the harsh reality of their own premature death.  Regardless of what is lost, the ideal dream you had envisioned for your life becomes an impossibility.  You are left with only the regret of things that could have been, but never will be.  The story of wild adventure and success that you had planned on becomes instead a tale of meaningless sacrifice and missed opportunity.  With your best years behind you, you look ahead and see nothing but darkness on the horizon.

This is a dismal picture, but you know as well as I do that the situation I am describing is not at all uncommon.  It may happen to you, or it may not.  Is that a risk you are willing to take?

It doesn’t have to be this way.  It shouldn’t be this way.

So, back to the original question- what is next?  For those of us starting out in this world, this may be the most important question of our entire lives.

After spending four years and tens of thousands of dollars obtaining a diploma, we don’t want, or deserve, to settle for a life that we are anything less than ecstatic about.  Yet this is exactly what happens.  People abandon their dreams and sign on for eight daily hours of dispassionate monotony, all the while convincing themselves that their current struggle is only a means to some better end.  Regardless of whether or not this proves true, I hold the firm opinion that people(especially those in their 20′s, regardless of whether or not they have been to college) should not waste a single minute sacrificing their happiness and passion in pursuit of a paycheck.  Our time on this earth is far too limited to justify such wastefulness.

It is time we recognize that the years of our twenties are not to be squandered.  Tomorrow has never been promised, and is indeed more uncertain today than it has been in decades.  Not a single moment should be wasted with people who do not inspire you, in a place that doesn’t fascinate you, or at a job that doesn’t fulfill you.

I have heard it said that our twenties are a time to “pay our dues”.  This is a dangerous lie.

Every day I meet and hear about people my age pursuing their dreams.  I am not talking about some privileged group of social elites, I am talking about regular people who come from modest backgrounds.  The difference between these people and those who are stuck in unfavorable situations, is that the the former realizes that dream fulfillment is a choice to be made by many, not a right reserved for few.  No matter who you are, you have the ability to choose fulfilment.

It takes courage.  Breaking away from the  rat race may be one of the scariest moves you will ever make, but as some wise person once said, “with great risk comes great reward”.

When you dare to be different, you dare to be great.  You dare to be one of the select few who live their lives on their own terms.

Following your dreams may not free you from the risk of death and loss, but it will ensure that such unforseen circumstances do not leave you in a state of hopeless regret.  Regardless of what life throws your way, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you had the rare courage to blaze your own trails, write your own rules, and stay true to your own personal definition of the American dream.

***Check back Wednesday for part two of this post- “The Top Ten Ways to Make the Most of Your 20′s”

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